As an Adult, are You Still Lying?

My first question is, why? My second question is, is there a benefit in lying?

When I make the statements, “I’m grown.” “I’m not afraid of you.” “What are you going to do to me?” the person I’m saying it to, always laughs. Those are true statements for me because why, at this age, would I be lying to anyone? Normally, I’m pretty straight forward. So just to be clear, yes, I have lied before. Will I lie again, it’s possible. Do I make it a habit to lie, no. Five to seven years ago I lied because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings in a specific situation and when the truth came out, it would’ve been better to just tell the truth from jump. I am highly aware that some people can’t help but to lie due to being pathological liars, habitual liars or someone whose whole life is a lie. Those people may be beyond the reach of help but for those seemingly normal people, I need answers. I show up and have shown up as Angela for as long as I can remember. One thing I have never been known as, is a liar. So, when I say I’m grown, I mean it. What harm should I fear by being honest?

I can reason with or understand the occasional “little white lie” or the “lying by omission” mainly because there is always going to be the “fine print”. Meaning, in life, there are a lot of gray areas and it’s easy to blur lines. This doesn’t mean deception is okay either. I am not naïve and I know that not everyone will all of a sudden just stop lying at any particular age. So in essence, this post is kind of a rant or vent.

Recently, my sister told me about a dating show on IG and I tuned in and now I watch it any chance I get. It’s a dating show that started during Corona virus and quarantine time. A lady Kendra G. started going live and allowing people to join her on live, she asks a few questions and if someone who was viewing found you interesting or attractive, they could reach out to you in your DM. Like I mentioned, I just found out about it and now I am hooked. Mainly, because some of the guests are complete train wrecks and it shows what singles have to look forward to in these dating streets. Two of the questions that Kendra asks her guest are “What are you looking for in a man/woman?” and “What is a deal breaker for you?”. Almost everyone’s answers were/are “I’m looking for someone who’s honest.” or “A deal breaker for me is someone who is a liar.”.

Every time I hear their responses, I am always amazed and saddened. I’m first amazed at how many people actually have to list this as a requirement and then I am immediately saddened at the deeper meaning of it. For this to be a requirement and deal breaker, how many people have been hurt by a lying individual? For as long as I can remember, I have labeled liars as a pet peeve of mine. I’ve dealt with people who I consider compulsive liars for a long time but it’s usually not on an everyday basis that I have to come in contact with them. I’ve learned how to deal with them from afar and to take what they say with a grain of salt. It’s when you fall in love with or live with a notorious liar that’s the concerning part.

Can you fathom questioning yourself and everything that you have ever known about yourself after consistently being lied to about everything? What has ever been wrong with telling the truth? There is nothing wrong with telling the truth but I do know that it can be painful. I understand lying to avoid hurting someone you care about or love but even then, it’s better to just be honest. The hurt runs deep when the opportunity to have a choice in a matter is taken away from you. For example, someone lied to you because they didn’t know how you would respond if they had told you the truth. They fear the consequences of their actions, so they take away your right to respond how you see fit, given the offense. Again, I’m speaking from experience. It was a tough lesson learned and I was reminded that the best case scenario was to never commit the offense that would cause you to have to lie or just tell the truth in the first place.

Lying and liars come in many forms and it starts early. At some point in life, some people change and stop lying and for others, they lie for a living. It’s not on them, it’s just in them. They don’t need a rhyme or a reason. The thing that has me the most confused is, besides childhood traumas, attention seekers, low self-esteem, people pleasers and chemical imbalances, why is anyone over the age of 30-35 still lying?

At the beautiful age of 30, life shifts for most. You’ve gone through the glorious teenage years, the reckless twenties and once you hit thirty, you’re figuring out what really matters and how short life really is. Most people have gone through real life scenarios that have shaped them into who they are currently. Some people are still finding themselves, others have found themselves and they’re content with who they are with no interest in people pleasing or maintaining an image. For anyone who is a fully grown adult, who works and pay their own bills, why do you lie?

If you’re anything like me, you’ve wondered when, how or why children lie or became liars. That’s something that started early. I believe that children notice early on right from wrong and when they know that they have done something that they weren’t supposed to do, they lie to prevent the consequences. Other times, children are coached into lying by adults close to them. You know the “tell them I’m not home” lie. Children innately know that it’s not true and they see it done so often that it becomes the norm to see, hear or witness a lie and not say anything about it. This becomes a part of their character if the child is not aware enough to see the hurt, harm or wrongness of the lies and decides to do the opposite. As the child grows older, they start to lie and the parents wonder when and where the child started this bad habit. Forgetting that the child had front row seats to their very own lie tutor.

Honesty is the best policy but a lie is way more entertaining than the truth. I know it’s too much to ask adults to be more honest and stop lying but that would involve forcing people who do not have the capacity to be truthful, to change. Sorry not sorry for my rant but seeing how often people mention wanting a partner who is honest just saddens me. As humans, not just in a relational aspect, we have to do better.